My goodness, it's been four years

And I've taken a few steps forward and many steps back. I fool myself that I'm the victim of a ruthless economy, but somewhere in the depths of me I know that my present situation is the direct result of my lack of commitment, lack of focus, lack of ambition. I just want to exist, to drift through life, floating on my back over the coolness of a summer lake. I want to think and read. I want to hide in the corner, in my father's large leather chair in the library no one used but me. I want to look outside the picture window upon trees in the snow. I want to be a child again.
I am looking at my adult responsibilities and, although I'm meeting them for the moment, failure is 15 steps forward, over a cliff. Sigh. I don't want to be what I am but I don't know what I want to be. I'd rather tell you a story. So that's what I'll do.